We Need To Talk About Dennis

In November ish of 2020, I took an ancestry DNA test. I had gotten interested in tracing my family tree and learning about my heritage, and actually found that your uncle Phil had been on there and traced quite a bit of your family history.  You should check it out sometime, it’s interesting. 

I found only one DNA connection with my dads side of the family -  a distant cousin of my biological dad who had swabbed her father.  I matched with that sample of her father. I contacted her, and she reached out to my dad. 

December of 2020, I spoke to him on the phone for the first time.

He was sick with cancer. 

Cancer that is unfortunately strongly genetic. I’m now being followed closely by my doctors because there’s about a 50/50 chance I will get it too.

He was weird in all the ways that I was weird.

I thought it was a joke when people were saying that they feel an instant connection, but with him I felt an instant connection that I’ve never felt with anybody else before. It was totally profound and indescribable. 

We got to know each other and talked on the phone quite a bit until he eventually succumb to his illness a few months later. I remain in contact with his mother and send her pictures of myself and the kids in that sort of thing. But I never got to physically see my dad or give him a hug because he was so ashamed of what he looks like and what the cancer had done to his body. He continued to work, taking almost no time off despite his diagnosis. 

For a long time I was really angry at you for keeping him from me. You had your reasons, and I assume they were valid ones. I went through similar feelings of wanting to cut my daughters father out of her life when I was separating from him. Coparenting is a very scary and difficult thing especially when you are just starting the process, and when you don’t even have your own life established yet. 

I also see, through my own experience, that two adults can have a very different relationship and opinion of each other than a child’s perspective may be. It feels like those things can never exist in a healthy environment, but they can. In my situation, I have had to learn that I am accountable for the emotional environment I create for L. If I am hateful of her dad or try to stand in opposition of their relationship, I am alienating her from myself more than I am contributing to her well-being or happiness. I have opinions about L’s dad, but I keep those separate and private. There is no reason my baggage with him should be hers to carry unless it serves some purpose that is useful and helpful to her. It has been a process to come to that! But I had to realize that in our case (not saying it was the same with you and my bio dad at all!) as long as L’s dad and extended family was loving her well, I might as well set aside my feelings and invite as much healthy love into her life as I could. With time, many things change. And many things stay exactly the same. 

Something you probably don’t want to know about Dennis but I think are pretty cool are he got his masters and engineering and was one semester away from finishing law school to become a lawyer as well.

He tried to find me a few years before he finally moved to Chicago and started a job at Boeing. He dated a very nice lady long term, but never married or had any more kids. He talked highly of you still, even in front of his girlfriend. It seemed like he never moved on, said you were the most beautiful kind lady he’d ever been with. He remembered your family, including Cassie, fondly. He also encouraged me to try harder to reconcile with you. 

He said he always waited for that phone call to come where are you were asking for child support or visitation or anything like that but it never came, and I wonder what life would’ve been like if you did get child support from him. Or if I did get visitation with him. Maybe things would’ve been better. I often wish that you would have taken a break when you needed it because I don’t think you allowed yourself enough breaks from being a mother. I don’t think it was anyone’s fault, that’s just how life was. How you were raised and the unique beliefs and convictions you had about being a parent. There’s also a certain stigma with blended families that existed during that time - now 25 years later, things are much easier and more accepted.

I also see how much financial strain was upon us, and I wonder if it might’ve turned out to be worth it to accept child support payment from him. But I also wonder what other issues would have come about. Drama about holidays, drama between the two fathers, drama/mind games and possibly using me as a pawn to cause hurt. Who knows. Either way, I recognize that there were reasons that didn’t happen. That’s okay with me.

We won’t ever get to know the answer to those things. I grew up. And he died. he was 54 years old.

I guess I tell you all this to say that I understand and empathize. I have forgiven and I hold none of that against you, although I’ve chosen to do something different. That’s how I view many of my choices - I make different ones than you not because I feel angry or like yours were wrong necessarily. I just have a different life, different priorities, different dynamic. I think sometimes you were scared that I would like him better than you and leave you forever - and that’s not true. I have the same fears about L, but I know to just trust that she has plenty of room in her heart to love us all. She has two daddies and two mommies now, and all of us have a special relationship with her that does not diminish the relationship she may have with another parent. It is not a competition, we all have in common that we adore L and want the best for her.

So anyway. There’s so much more to say but I will stop there. I miss him so much.