Marriage Counseling

 Me and Andrew do marriage counseling together.

We had a rough first year of marriage, for our own personal reasons and some together reasons. I can honestly say, I highly recommend it. We’ve both learned so much, and try to make a point to participate in it every month or so to hash things out. 

It has a way of drawing us both out of our shell and getting us to address things that would normally be glossed over. It’s also gotten us out of frustration loops, repetitive small grievances that grow into bigger ones and never really resolve otherwise.  I absolutely without a doubt know that we have less baggage that we would have if we hadn’t started counseling. 

I can’t imagine my life without it.

One way that I have deviated from the upbringing you gave me is that I am staunchly against being a submissive wife. Surprise surprise - I think you saw that coming!  My husband is also against that though. We both run the home equally, we both parent equally, make decisions equally, and appreciate each other equally. He has never expected me to give in fully to his way, and I never expect him to give in to mine. 

My husband is secure and humble, and has plenty of outlets so he has no need to domineer me to exercise a sense of control. He is also very appreciative when I take over on certain things to relieve him of the burden.  In the Army, at times he is in charge of a lot of people or a lot of projects - it is exhausting to come home and continue to have to be in charge.

So we share that responsibility and it works for us. We both sometimes get stuck in loops of overthinking things, and we both get upset when it’s our “fault” for making a poor decision. 

The thing I’ve learned about marriage is, it’s not about who is right or “in charge”, it’s about making the decision that puts both of us first. It’s also about talking through things and serving as a sounding board for one another. If you are truly unified, nobody is “in charge” and simultaneously, both of you are “in charge”.  The more unified you are, the more you are acting as one unit rather than having to deliberate against one another.  This type of thing does not come from one person always giving in to the other, but rather working on your values together.  When your values are well aligned, your actions will align themselves almost effortlessly.

When fights happen, it is extremely helpful to “zoom out” from the detailed stupid things and focus on what we have in common. We are on the same team, we share the same goals and values. That’s why we got married. But when you’re stuck on whether forks face up or down in the dishwasher, it’s helpful to zoom out and remember that no matter what, we are both just trying to get the dishes clean. Some things just aren’t important.  If you’re wondering, it’s forks down - but the forks go up in our house because I love my husband and he likes them up ;) Lol!